I still miss her. Every single fucking day and I hate waking up here on the weekends by myself.

Things I've learned this weekend

I've learned a lot this weekend. Some of it is very basic life stuff, but I just needed to have things put into perspective. So here's what I've learned...

• Funerals never get easier. I've never dealt very well with death, especially a death of someone I call a friend. There were about half a million other factors going along with it, but it's still a very hard thing to deal with.
• Whatever I do will never be good enough. As much as I would like to think that some of the stuff I do is good enough, it will never be enough. I'll never be able to be good enough at doing something or be good enough for anyone to keep me around for an extended period of time in a relationship. Maybe I really am damaged beyond repair...
• Family, as irritating as they can be sometimes, is so very important. Just thinking about my niece and nephews this weekend and just wanting to hug them and tell them how much I love them, moves me to tears. My mind has wandered a little bit while driving this weekend and I was crying while driving...and I'm not a fan of that.
  
• I wear my sunglasses as a shield so nobody sees my glassy eyes. I know I wear them a little too much, but I noticed this weekend that even though it was dark I wouldn't take them off. And, the only thing I could come up with is that I don't want anyone to see my tired and sad eyes.
  
• I've lost weight and gained muscle. I'm not sure how that happened but everyone was telling me about it last night. It was a constant "you look REALLY good and you look bigger...muscle wise." Not really sure how much I believe it, but I do feel like I'm a little bit bigger.
• I'm depressed. I was doing so great until I got word about my friends passing and since then I've just been in a rut. To make a fair comparison, I was doing so great that my shrink said she didn't see any good reason that I should come back and see her. She said that I looked relaxed, looked better, talked better, and just overall seemed like I was able to flip the light switch to being happier. Now I'm just obsessing over everything like I was a few weeks ago. I'm also drinking a little bit more and talking a lot less. I don't want to do much of anything, I'm struggling with making decisions, and pretty much everything just feels like it sucks.

That's it for my "woe is me" act for the night.

Today...

This post is going to be everywhere so I apologize in advance...


Today was a day I'd like to forget or pretend it never happened. Someone I've known for a long time died last night. When I say a long time, I mean since I was kid. He was riding his bike home from a ride, lost control, and hit the guardrail, and died from head trauma. We weren't necessarily close, but I've always considered him a friend. He was always good to sit around and have a few beers with...conversation wasn't needed because he was such a strong person that words didn't need to be said. Mostly, my heart aches for his family in ways I can't explain because I'm VERY close to so many of them. Now here comes the confusing part...

I want to go to the funeral to pay my last respects, but I fear I'm going to be unwelcome there because of her...after all, it was HER uncle and not mine. I know if I go to Columbus that I'll have nowhere to stay for the night and I'll only want to be with her...but I'm about 99% sure she won't want me to be there with her. I know some of her family will want me to go and tell me I can stay at his brother's house (which is a few blocks from her house) and I fear that will only make things worse for me. I've been on the verge of tears all day and I just now started crying about it.

My biggest question I have to answer in the next few days is, should I go and just come home the same night or just not go at all? I want to talk to her about it, but today certainly isn't the right time since she just lost someone that she was close to. I just got over so much from the last few months to be put back in the same place of questioning everything like I did before.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I'm trying to figure out if I'm just damaged goods or not. Seriously though, it's so easy to cast me aside and completely forget about me that I must be damaged.

At this point in my life I don't understand why anyone would want a 30 year old, who is more confused about his life than ever. I don't know what to do anymore and everything I do is wrong. The harder I try, the worse things get...it's like playing in quicksand. One thing I have found out that is since I've quit babying my back, it hasn't bothered me too much and the more pain I do feel (both physically and emotionally) the harder I push myself at whatever I'm doing. Lately it's been work and on Friday's when I mow the yard. I literally won't stop going as hard as I can until I'm completely exhausted...and that helps quite a bit.

I'm starting to lose more emotion every single fucking day and that hurts. I don't want to become a complete ass again. Any more, I just want to revert back to being a complete asshole again and not give a shit about anyone's feelings. I just don't know, and I fear that I've already started back down that track again.

There's something wrong with me

There's something seriously wrong with me. I've been really hesitant to sleep with anyone and I sort of did last night. It was a fucking retarded idea and got a little pressured into it, but I still made the decision to do it so there's no excuse there.

It was so fucking terrible and I HATE myself for it today. I was so far from being where I needed to be that it didn't work. It worked for about five minutes and that was it. I had flashback after flashback going through my mind the entire time so vividly that it felt like I was actually there in third person walking around it while everything was going on in my mind.

I know I was comparing everything to her and that's why shit wasn't working, but I thought I was going to be able to be a fucking grown up for once and start to turn the page. Obviously, I can't yet. That makes me wonder how long it will actually take and if that's going to turn into another six year hiatus from a somewhat solid commitment. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how much of a failure I was last night because I used to be able to separate my brain from what was going on. I guess that's how I used to be and better change before I won't be able to change.

This is pretty much the song that keeps running through my head all day. I still wish I knew why this hurt so fucking bad, but it does. It's a challenge to keep going each day when I just want to give up and do nothing other than mope around and cry.

Fairy Tale

This was supposed to be a beautiful weekend for us. Since I had Good Friday off I was going to take a few vacation days and spend a very long weekend with her. We had planned a weekend getaway which would have started today. It was supposed to be at a bed and breakfast place in Northern Ohio and it was going to be something magical. Just thinking about it makes the tears show up. I was holding out until this weekend to tell her how much I love every second we spend together and that she means more than the world to me.

Instead I'm sitting here writing this about something that I SHOULD be doing right now, holding her while we're sitting outside watching the sun set telling her how much I love being with her. Now I'm sitting by myself with a beer in tow, crying in my basement alone because she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

I feel like a fucking fool. I take it slow and everything ends up exactly the same way. Is the blueprint of failing in every relationship stuck in my fucking head and I can't get it out? God, I'm almost 30 and my longest relationship has lasted 5 fucking months. At this point, how do I NOT feel like I'm the problem? I know, I'm only concentrating on the bad and not the good. I know that I shouldn't be shortsighted about the relationship stuff, but I am I just a terrible person that drives or pushes people away after a few months? And, how does this still hurt this bad after a few months while we were only together for a few months? Am I just too fucking clingy and don't want to accept reality and move on?

Right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of having glassy eyes all day long. I'm tired of pitting all the blame on me. I'm tired of thinking that I SHOULDN'T be here right now because I should be with her on a romantic getaway. But here I am, living in a fucking fairy tale, in my basement, alone, and crying.

Lost for words

I've been sitting here for the last 15 minutes crying my eyes out. Not because I'm sad, but because of my little three year old nephew. He's the sweetest and most loving three year old I've ever been around. I always used to think he didn't like me because he would never want to be around me or cry every time I was around or tried to hold him. That changed a lot yesterday...

It started Saturday around 1130 in the morning when I was on my way to FedEx some insulin my last roommates left here. When I turned on the highway, I could hear what sounded like something dragging the ground. I didn't think much of it because I was moving and my car is old so I was going to pull over when I could to have a look. At the first stoplight it was still making that sound while I was stopped and kept getting louder. When I hit the gas it went away and I thought I dodged a bullet...until about a mile later when my engine shut off and wouldn't start again.

I called my dad (who actually got my car towed for free) and my future roommate to help me out. My buddy took me to FedEx to get the package shipped while my dad waited for the wrecker. Long story short...we got the broken down car to my house and pushed into the garage. I took my dad out to lunch and we went to a dealership even though the weather was ultra shitty. We quickly realized that it would be better for me to take the rest of the night to figure out what I want and do some research. On a side note...while I was at the FedEx place, I ran into Bob from "Bob and Tom". I wanted to bad to hit him and yell "COME UP WITH SOMETHING FUNNY!" It probably would have been a pretty good stress reliever...

I called my brother up on Sunday to come over and take a look at a few windows to see what he would charge me to replace them. He brought my little nephew over because he wanted to go for a car ride, which was a pleasant surprise. He was knocked out when they showed up and he even let me hold him until he got too heavy to hold. We walked around the house for a little bit and talked about a lot of things and I asked my brother to take me to the store so I could get some caffeine for the morning and other things. While we were there, my nephew saw some donuts and wanted some so I told my brother pick up a dozen and I'd pay for them. Then my nephew was pulling out some money to pay for them, which I thought was funny because it was a penny. My brother said he does it all the time and when he got his penny back he put it back in his pocket very carefully.

Then today came. I found an awesome car for a killer price that I couldn't pass up. Luckily my dad was able to take some time off of work to take me to the dealership to check it out. I was already in love with it just from looking at it online. It test drove great and while it's a used car, it's basically a brand new car. I've never seen a car less than a year old with only 5,500 miles on it and UNDER the blue book value. Like I said, I HAD to take this car. My brother called while we were getting the paperwork and everything taken care of to tell me I should stop by his house and see the little one, which I did. We jumped on their new trampoline for as long as my old ass was able to until it was time for me to leave.

After I had been home for a few hours my brother's girlfriend sent me a text saying that my nephew wanted to pay for the donuts yesterday because my car was broke. When I read that, my eyes started to tear up...then came another text. She said my nephew saw a black car go by the house and thought it was me and was really disappointed when it wasn't me...that made me start crying.

With everything that's been going on with me lately I've really lost focus on the little things that make everything worth it. I've also been shutting everyone out of my life, one by one a little more each day. Then out of nowhere this little guy is so worried about me and my car breaking down he wanted to pay for the donuts. I've been feeling like I'm a terrible person for so many reasons, and he wanted me to feel better. I don't even know what to say because that gesture by a three year old has moved me to tears and made me feel like people actually do love me from the bottom of their hearts.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the how I handled the situation of when you said you had something to talk to me about because I handled it horribly. I panicked and didn't know what to do, say or think. I had completely lost my fucking mind really. I automatically thought of the worst possible scenario and my head took off like Forrest Gump with it and didn't stop running with it. I feel that is the reason that you wanted me to go home the next morning because of that and that I'm just a terrible verbal communicator when it comes down to talking about serious stuff. I've never been good at stuff like that and I'm not looking to make excuses because that was an epic fail.

I'm sorry about the last two visits you had here. I don't know how the first one was weird for you when we were at my house, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had another epic fail when you came in for the baby shower. I've been running that in and out of my head, over and over on what I should have done and I'm sorry for what I did do. I'm sorry that I didn't show up earlier and go back with you guys to Mike's parents house to spend more time with you. I'm not reaching for excuses, but I really didn't know what to do and froze as everything passed me by.

I'm sorry if I haven't been getting the space you've wanted by texting you, but it's been hard. With everything that's been going on, it feels like I don't have anyone to talk to and I've wanted to bad to talk to you. I'm sorry if me texting you has made you close yourself off from me because that is the last thing I ever wanted.

Everything feels like it's entirely my fault and I could spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, but that wouldn't be enough time. I still have VERY strong feelings for you and I'm sorry that my actions or inaction's have changed the way you feel or think about me. I know it's been an extremely long time since I've been in any kind of relationship, but you've made me feel again which is something I didn't think was ever going to be possible again.

I know the recurring theme in this has been "I'm sorry", but I really am and I don't want it to seem like empty words or an empty apology because it's not. I don't know how much sense any of this is going to make because I haven't gone back and re-read it because if I do, then I'll never send it. Every time I've tried to write something and gone back to read it, I trash it because I think it's retarded...like helmet wearing retarded.

I hope you've been doing alright and that everything has been going well for you too. I hope we can talk sometime in the very near future as well.

Almost a week later

Things were going good so I stopped writing things down, and wouldn't you know it...things got worse. The thinking came back along with the raging feeling I get. It got so bad today that I was shaking because I was so pissed off and it turned me into a working machine. I like how much more work I get done when I'm like this, but the emotional toll it takes on me is so great that I don't know how much more I can take.

So I've realized that I spend the vast majority of my day waiting for a text that I'm not going to get and when I'm asleep, I spend a good amount of brain power waiting for an email that I won't get either. I guess this is why I wake up at least 3 times a night to check my email...and it's never there. I've sent her a couple of texts this week and have gotten nothing back which leads me to believe she doesn't give a shit anymore. Maybe there's more to it than what I'm reading into it, but I'm pretty sure about this one.

With the way things got weird, it also leads me to believe that there's someone else, or there was someone else while we were together, or that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I'm leaning towards her finding someone else that's more convenient for her so she doesn't have to make a three hour drive every other month or so. She also told me that she wants to say something back but when she tries, she just shuts down. That leads me to believe that she wants to break it off for whatever reason but doesn't want to say it...for whatever reason. I'm so exhausted from today I don't even know how I'm awake right now. Maybe I'll get more out tomorrow.

Day Two...

Last night...last night I prayed for the first time in a VERY long time. I never knew how to pray (and still don't), but it ended with me sobbing and not able to breathe. I got so much off my chest with writing and praying yesterday that today was a much better day. I realized a lot when I was rambling with my tear soaked eyes that it still amazes me when I think about what I said to the Big Guy. I realized how much of an asshole I've truly been to the ones that I love that I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me or really want me to be around them. I don't even have words everything that crossed my mind while I was praying last night and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

After an entire one day of writing things to get them out of my head, I do feel a little better but I know not everyday is going to be a sunny day. I had a couple of bouts with myself today thinking about her and where I messed up and I still am. I've been thinking about texting her to see what's going on, but I think I'll give it one more night to respond with something and if I don't hear anything by tomorrow evening I'm going to text her and try to pry it out of her. I don't even know if we're broken up or what the fuck we're doing...but I do know, what we're doing is eating me up alive inside. When I think about certain things pertaining to her I feel a rage, not a blinding rage mind you, but something inside me that begins to grow and I just want to break shit. Well, attempt to break shit until I get so tired that I can't go on anymore. But, I feel so much bigger than what I really am that I feel like I can do anything...but get her to TALK to me.

I've decided to say fuck babying my back and just let loose to get this aggression out on the weekends. As much as I hate running, I'm about to start running so I can push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I'd much rather prefer playing basketball to running, but right now I'll do anything. I want to use all the energy I have in my body that when I get home that I pass out. I also need to take some golf lessons so I can get enough confidence to actually go play a course by myself because right now I seriously have nobody to go with. Hopefully the weather cooperates this weekend so I can physically run myself into the ground because I'm tired of being emotionally ran into the ground.

I really don't know what else to say other than ramble the same old shit over and over about her because I honest to God care more about her than I do myself and there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay with her. I just wish it wasn't like talking to a fucking brick wall...

Challege

I've been challenged by someone to write all this shit in my head out in an attempt to get it out and, hopefully, keep it out.

I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.

Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.

I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.

I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.

I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.

Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.

Here's what I want to say

I've had a lot of shit bouncing around my head for the past week. I can't stop thinking about her, wanting to be with her, wanting to talk to her, and NOT wanting our relationship to end. I know it's a little space, but it feels like part of me has been cut out of me. I've NEVER felt this way towards someone else before and, quite frankly, it scares the ever loving piss out of me. It scares me because I put so much fucking pressure on myself that I'll end up blowing it, which I DON'T want to do.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep worth a shit the past week and a half and that's taking it's toll on me as well. Since I've been thinking so much lately, it's opened up parts of my brain which help me think more analytically and that has helped me tremendously at work. I've been working on not being such an asshole at work, but I have some outbreaks from time to time...which is why I've kind of shut down the talking mechanism in my body and it's actually been pretty peaceful. Nobody is bugging me and asking me questions, I'm able to get my work done, and I'm able to feel better about my work...I'll have to work on being hyper critical of my work later down the road.

Now on to what I want to say that the "space" is preventing me from saying...

I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. My days are lonely not being able to text you at work without overwhelming you. I want so bad to hold you in my arms and just watch TV together. You make me feel complete and without you I'm missing a HUGE piece of myself that can't be forged.

I've never felt this attached to someone so quick and you've shown me that I CAN be happy and you make me happier than I've ever been. You've shown me what it's like to FEEL again and feel VERY deeply. Without you I'm shell of my former self and just go through the motions to make it through the day hoping, more than anything, to talk to you and not make you feel overwhelmed. You make me a whole person and that's something I haven't been in years.

I'm sorry I never told you that I get down on myself pretty quickly and suffered through depression for years before I wanted to free myself of my daily medication. I'm not saying that I'm never going to get depressed again, but I PROMISE you this...I'll tell you when I'm starting to feel down and I'll talk about it to get it out of my system and return to normal.

This "space" has taught me a lot about myself and how much I care for you. I'm VERY careful to say I love someone but this feels differently than everything else in the past and I think it's something VERY special and don't want to lose our relationship. I'm sorry things went to less than perfect, but it most certainly wasn't because I don't value our time together...because I value it more than anything in my life. And, it kills me not having you in my life right now and I hope that can change in the near future.

That's what I want to say so badly, but I don't want to invade her space that she wanted and I don't want to make her feel overwhelmed and have her possibly shut down and not want to talk or be with me. It makes me feel better just to write it out because I've been bottling it up and keeping myself trapped in my head...which is a pretty scary place to be stuck.

Confused

I don't know what to do. By that, I mean absolutely fucking clueless what to do. Here's a little background...

Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.

The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.

We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.

She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.

That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.

So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?