Thinking

I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I'm trying to figure out if I'm just damaged goods or not. Seriously though, it's so easy to cast me aside and completely forget about me that I must be damaged.

At this point in my life I don't understand why anyone would want a 30 year old, who is more confused about his life than ever. I don't know what to do anymore and everything I do is wrong. The harder I try, the worse things get...it's like playing in quicksand. One thing I have found out that is since I've quit babying my back, it hasn't bothered me too much and the more pain I do feel (both physically and emotionally) the harder I push myself at whatever I'm doing. Lately it's been work and on Friday's when I mow the yard. I literally won't stop going as hard as I can until I'm completely exhausted...and that helps quite a bit.

I'm starting to lose more emotion every single fucking day and that hurts. I don't want to become a complete ass again. Any more, I just want to revert back to being a complete asshole again and not give a shit about anyone's feelings. I just don't know, and I fear that I've already started back down that track again.