- Funerals never get easier. I've never dealt very well with death, especially a death of someone I call a friend. There were about half a million other factors going along with it, but it's still a very hard thing to deal with.
- Whatever I do will never be good enough. As much as I would like to think that some of the stuff I do is good enough, it will never be enough. I'll never be able to be good enough at doing something or be good enough for anyone to keep me around for an extended period of time in a relationship. Maybe I really am damaged beyond repair...
- Family, as irritating as they can be sometimes, is so very important. Just thinking about my niece and nephews this weekend and just wanting to hug them and tell them how much I love them, moves me to tears. My mind has wandered a little bit while driving this weekend and I was crying while driving...and I'm not a fan of that.
- I wear my sunglasses as a shield so nobody sees my glassy eyes. I know I wear them a little too much, but I noticed this weekend that even though it was dark I wouldn't take them off. And, the only thing I could come up with is that I don't want anyone to see my tired and sad eyes.
- I've lost weight and gained muscle. I'm not sure how that happened but everyone was telling me about it last night. It was a constant "you look REALLY good and you look bigger...muscle wise." Not really sure how much I believe it, but I do feel like I'm a little bit bigger.
- I'm depressed. I was doing so great until I got word about my friends passing and since then I've just been in a rut. To make a fair comparison, I was doing so great that my shrink said she didn't see any good reason that I should come back and see her. She said that I looked relaxed, looked better, talked better, and just overall seemed like I was able to flip the light switch to being happier. Now I'm just obsessing over everything like I was a few weeks ago. I'm also drinking a little bit more and talking a lot less. I don't want to do much of anything, I'm struggling with making decisions, and pretty much everything just feels like it sucks.
That's it for my "woe is me" act for the night.
