Last night...last night I prayed for the first time in a VERY long time. I never knew how to pray (and still don't), but it ended with me sobbing and not able to breathe. I got so much off my chest with writing and praying yesterday that today was a much better day. I realized a lot when I was rambling with my tear soaked eyes that it still amazes me when I think about what I said to the Big Guy. I realized how much of an asshole I've truly been to the ones that I love that I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me or really want me to be around them. I don't even have words everything that crossed my mind while I was praying last night and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
After an entire one day of writing things to get them out of my head, I do feel a little better but I know not everyday is going to be a sunny day. I had a couple of bouts with myself today thinking about her and where I messed up and I still am. I've been thinking about texting her to see what's going on, but I think I'll give it one more night to respond with something and if I don't hear anything by tomorrow evening I'm going to text her and try to pry it out of her. I don't even know if we're broken up or what the fuck we're doing...but I do know, what we're doing is eating me up alive inside. When I think about certain things pertaining to her I feel a rage, not a blinding rage mind you, but something inside me that begins to grow and I just want to break shit. Well, attempt to break shit until I get so tired that I can't go on anymore. But, I feel so much bigger than what I really am that I feel like I can do anything...but get her to TALK to me.
I've decided to say fuck babying my back and just let loose to get this aggression out on the weekends. As much as I hate running, I'm about to start running so I can push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I'd much rather prefer playing basketball to running, but right now I'll do anything. I want to use all the energy I have in my body that when I get home that I pass out. I also need to take some golf lessons so I can get enough confidence to actually go play a course by myself because right now I seriously have nobody to go with. Hopefully the weather cooperates this weekend so I can physically run myself into the ground because I'm tired of being emotionally ran into the ground.
I really don't know what else to say other than ramble the same old shit over and over about her because I honest to God care more about her than I do myself and there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay with her. I just wish it wasn't like talking to a fucking brick wall...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Challege
I've been challenged by someone to write all this shit in my head out in an attempt to get it out and, hopefully, keep it out.
I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.
Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.
I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.
I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.
I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.
Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.
I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.
Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.
I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.
I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.
I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.
Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.
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