Last night...last night I prayed for the first time in a VERY long time. I never knew how to pray (and still don't), but it ended with me sobbing and not able to breathe. I got so much off my chest with writing and praying yesterday that today was a much better day. I realized a lot when I was rambling with my tear soaked eyes that it still amazes me when I think about what I said to the Big Guy. I realized how much of an asshole I've truly been to the ones that I love that I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me or really want me to be around them. I don't even have words everything that crossed my mind while I was praying last night and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
After an entire one day of writing things to get them out of my head, I do feel a little better but I know not everyday is going to be a sunny day. I had a couple of bouts with myself today thinking about her and where I messed up and I still am. I've been thinking about texting her to see what's going on, but I think I'll give it one more night to respond with something and if I don't hear anything by tomorrow evening I'm going to text her and try to pry it out of her. I don't even know if we're broken up or what the fuck we're doing...but I do know, what we're doing is eating me up alive inside. When I think about certain things pertaining to her I feel a rage, not a blinding rage mind you, but something inside me that begins to grow and I just want to break shit. Well, attempt to break shit until I get so tired that I can't go on anymore. But, I feel so much bigger than what I really am that I feel like I can do anything...but get her to TALK to me.
I've decided to say fuck babying my back and just let loose to get this aggression out on the weekends. As much as I hate running, I'm about to start running so I can push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I'd much rather prefer playing basketball to running, but right now I'll do anything. I want to use all the energy I have in my body that when I get home that I pass out. I also need to take some golf lessons so I can get enough confidence to actually go play a course by myself because right now I seriously have nobody to go with. Hopefully the weather cooperates this weekend so I can physically run myself into the ground because I'm tired of being emotionally ran into the ground.
I really don't know what else to say other than ramble the same old shit over and over about her because I honest to God care more about her than I do myself and there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay with her. I just wish it wasn't like talking to a fucking brick wall...
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