I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I'm trying to figure out if I'm just damaged goods or not. Seriously though, it's so easy to cast me aside and completely forget about me that I must be damaged.
At this point in my life I don't understand why anyone would want a 30 year old, who is more confused about his life than ever. I don't know what to do anymore and everything I do is wrong. The harder I try, the worse things get...it's like playing in quicksand. One thing I have found out that is since I've quit babying my back, it hasn't bothered me too much and the more pain I do feel (both physically and emotionally) the harder I push myself at whatever I'm doing. Lately it's been work and on Friday's when I mow the yard. I literally won't stop going as hard as I can until I'm completely exhausted...and that helps quite a bit.
I'm starting to lose more emotion every single fucking day and that hurts. I don't want to become a complete ass again. Any more, I just want to revert back to being a complete asshole again and not give a shit about anyone's feelings. I just don't know, and I fear that I've already started back down that track again.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
There's something wrong with me
There's something seriously wrong with me. I've been really hesitant to sleep with anyone and I sort of did last night. It was a fucking retarded idea and got a little pressured into it, but I still made the decision to do it so there's no excuse there.
It was so fucking terrible and I HATE myself for it today. I was so far from being where I needed to be that it didn't work. It worked for about five minutes and that was it. I had flashback after flashback going through my mind the entire time so vividly that it felt like I was actually there in third person walking around it while everything was going on in my mind.
I know I was comparing everything to her and that's why shit wasn't working, but I thought I was going to be able to be a fucking grown up for once and start to turn the page. Obviously, I can't yet. That makes me wonder how long it will actually take and if that's going to turn into another six year hiatus from a somewhat solid commitment. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how much of a failure I was last night because I used to be able to separate my brain from what was going on. I guess that's how I used to be and better change before I won't be able to change.
It was so fucking terrible and I HATE myself for it today. I was so far from being where I needed to be that it didn't work. It worked for about five minutes and that was it. I had flashback after flashback going through my mind the entire time so vividly that it felt like I was actually there in third person walking around it while everything was going on in my mind.
I know I was comparing everything to her and that's why shit wasn't working, but I thought I was going to be able to be a fucking grown up for once and start to turn the page. Obviously, I can't yet. That makes me wonder how long it will actually take and if that's going to turn into another six year hiatus from a somewhat solid commitment. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how much of a failure I was last night because I used to be able to separate my brain from what was going on. I guess that's how I used to be and better change before I won't be able to change.
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