I've had a lot of shit bouncing around my head for the past week. I can't stop thinking about her, wanting to be with her, wanting to talk to her, and NOT wanting our relationship to end. I know it's a little space, but it feels like part of me has been cut out of me. I've NEVER felt this way towards someone else before and, quite frankly, it scares the ever loving piss out of me. It scares me because I put so much fucking pressure on myself that I'll end up blowing it, which I DON'T want to do.
I haven't been able to eat or sleep worth a shit the past week and a half and that's taking it's toll on me as well. Since I've been thinking so much lately, it's opened up parts of my brain which help me think more analytically and that has helped me tremendously at work. I've been working on not being such an asshole at work, but I have some outbreaks from time to time...which is why I've kind of shut down the talking mechanism in my body and it's actually been pretty peaceful. Nobody is bugging me and asking me questions, I'm able to get my work done, and I'm able to feel better about my work...I'll have to work on being hyper critical of my work later down the road.
Now on to what I want to say that the "space" is preventing me from saying...
I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. My days are lonely not being able to text you at work without overwhelming you. I want so bad to hold you in my arms and just watch TV together. You make me feel complete and without you I'm missing a HUGE piece of myself that can't be forged.
I've never felt this attached to someone so quick and you've shown me that I CAN be happy and you make me happier than I've ever been. You've shown me what it's like to FEEL again and feel VERY deeply. Without you I'm shell of my former self and just go through the motions to make it through the day hoping, more than anything, to talk to you and not make you feel overwhelmed. You make me a whole person and that's something I haven't been in years.
I'm sorry I never told you that I get down on myself pretty quickly and suffered through depression for years before I wanted to free myself of my daily medication. I'm not saying that I'm never going to get depressed again, but I PROMISE you this...I'll tell you when I'm starting to feel down and I'll talk about it to get it out of my system and return to normal.
This "space" has taught me a lot about myself and how much I care for you. I'm VERY careful to say I love someone but this feels differently than everything else in the past and I think it's something VERY special and don't want to lose our relationship. I'm sorry things went to less than perfect, but it most certainly wasn't because I don't value our time together...because I value it more than anything in my life. And, it kills me not having you in my life right now and I hope that can change in the near future.
That's what I want to say so badly, but I don't want to invade her space that she wanted and I don't want to make her feel overwhelmed and have her possibly shut down and not want to talk or be with me. It makes me feel better just to write it out because I've been bottling it up and keeping myself trapped in my head...which is a pretty scary place to be stuck.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Confused
I don't know what to do. By that, I mean absolutely fucking clueless what to do. Here's a little background...
Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.
The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.
We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.
She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.
That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.
So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?
Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.
The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.
We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.
She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.
That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.
So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?
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