Confused

I don't know what to do. By that, I mean absolutely fucking clueless what to do. Here's a little background...

Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.

The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.

We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.

She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.

That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.

So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?