Here's what I want to say

I've had a lot of shit bouncing around my head for the past week. I can't stop thinking about her, wanting to be with her, wanting to talk to her, and NOT wanting our relationship to end. I know it's a little space, but it feels like part of me has been cut out of me. I've NEVER felt this way towards someone else before and, quite frankly, it scares the ever loving piss out of me. It scares me because I put so much fucking pressure on myself that I'll end up blowing it, which I DON'T want to do.

I haven't been able to eat or sleep worth a shit the past week and a half and that's taking it's toll on me as well. Since I've been thinking so much lately, it's opened up parts of my brain which help me think more analytically and that has helped me tremendously at work. I've been working on not being such an asshole at work, but I have some outbreaks from time to time...which is why I've kind of shut down the talking mechanism in my body and it's actually been pretty peaceful. Nobody is bugging me and asking me questions, I'm able to get my work done, and I'm able to feel better about my work...I'll have to work on being hyper critical of my work later down the road.

Now on to what I want to say that the "space" is preventing me from saying...

I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. My days are lonely not being able to text you at work without overwhelming you. I want so bad to hold you in my arms and just watch TV together. You make me feel complete and without you I'm missing a HUGE piece of myself that can't be forged.

I've never felt this attached to someone so quick and you've shown me that I CAN be happy and you make me happier than I've ever been. You've shown me what it's like to FEEL again and feel VERY deeply. Without you I'm shell of my former self and just go through the motions to make it through the day hoping, more than anything, to talk to you and not make you feel overwhelmed. You make me a whole person and that's something I haven't been in years.

I'm sorry I never told you that I get down on myself pretty quickly and suffered through depression for years before I wanted to free myself of my daily medication. I'm not saying that I'm never going to get depressed again, but I PROMISE you this...I'll tell you when I'm starting to feel down and I'll talk about it to get it out of my system and return to normal.

This "space" has taught me a lot about myself and how much I care for you. I'm VERY careful to say I love someone but this feels differently than everything else in the past and I think it's something VERY special and don't want to lose our relationship. I'm sorry things went to less than perfect, but it most certainly wasn't because I don't value our time together...because I value it more than anything in my life. And, it kills me not having you in my life right now and I hope that can change in the near future.

That's what I want to say so badly, but I don't want to invade her space that she wanted and I don't want to make her feel overwhelmed and have her possibly shut down and not want to talk or be with me. It makes me feel better just to write it out because I've been bottling it up and keeping myself trapped in my head...which is a pretty scary place to be stuck.