This was supposed to be a beautiful weekend for us. Since I had Good Friday off I was going to take a few vacation days and spend a very long weekend with her. We had planned a weekend getaway which would have started today. It was supposed to be at a bed and breakfast place in Northern Ohio and it was going to be something magical. Just thinking about it makes the tears show up. I was holding out until this weekend to tell her how much I love every second we spend together and that she means more than the world to me.
Instead I'm sitting here writing this about something that I SHOULD be doing right now, holding her while we're sitting outside watching the sun set telling her how much I love being with her. Now I'm sitting by myself with a beer in tow, crying in my basement alone because she doesn't want me in her life anymore.
I feel like a fucking fool. I take it slow and everything ends up exactly the same way. Is the blueprint of failing in every relationship stuck in my fucking head and I can't get it out? God, I'm almost 30 and my longest relationship has lasted 5 fucking months. At this point, how do I NOT feel like I'm the problem? I know, I'm only concentrating on the bad and not the good. I know that I shouldn't be shortsighted about the relationship stuff, but I am I just a terrible person that drives or pushes people away after a few months? And, how does this still hurt this bad after a few months while we were only together for a few months? Am I just too fucking clingy and don't want to accept reality and move on?
Right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of having glassy eyes all day long. I'm tired of pitting all the blame on me. I'm tired of thinking that I SHOULDN'T be here right now because I should be with her on a romantic getaway. But here I am, living in a fucking fairy tale, in my basement, alone, and crying.
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