This is pretty much the song that keeps running through my head all day. I still wish I knew why this hurt so fucking bad, but it does. It's a challenge to keep going each day when I just want to give up and do nothing other than mope around and cry.

Fairy Tale

This was supposed to be a beautiful weekend for us. Since I had Good Friday off I was going to take a few vacation days and spend a very long weekend with her. We had planned a weekend getaway which would have started today. It was supposed to be at a bed and breakfast place in Northern Ohio and it was going to be something magical. Just thinking about it makes the tears show up. I was holding out until this weekend to tell her how much I love every second we spend together and that she means more than the world to me.

Instead I'm sitting here writing this about something that I SHOULD be doing right now, holding her while we're sitting outside watching the sun set telling her how much I love being with her. Now I'm sitting by myself with a beer in tow, crying in my basement alone because she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

I feel like a fucking fool. I take it slow and everything ends up exactly the same way. Is the blueprint of failing in every relationship stuck in my fucking head and I can't get it out? God, I'm almost 30 and my longest relationship has lasted 5 fucking months. At this point, how do I NOT feel like I'm the problem? I know, I'm only concentrating on the bad and not the good. I know that I shouldn't be shortsighted about the relationship stuff, but I am I just a terrible person that drives or pushes people away after a few months? And, how does this still hurt this bad after a few months while we were only together for a few months? Am I just too fucking clingy and don't want to accept reality and move on?

Right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of having glassy eyes all day long. I'm tired of pitting all the blame on me. I'm tired of thinking that I SHOULDN'T be here right now because I should be with her on a romantic getaway. But here I am, living in a fucking fairy tale, in my basement, alone, and crying.

Lost for words

I've been sitting here for the last 15 minutes crying my eyes out. Not because I'm sad, but because of my little three year old nephew. He's the sweetest and most loving three year old I've ever been around. I always used to think he didn't like me because he would never want to be around me or cry every time I was around or tried to hold him. That changed a lot yesterday...

It started Saturday around 1130 in the morning when I was on my way to FedEx some insulin my last roommates left here. When I turned on the highway, I could hear what sounded like something dragging the ground. I didn't think much of it because I was moving and my car is old so I was going to pull over when I could to have a look. At the first stoplight it was still making that sound while I was stopped and kept getting louder. When I hit the gas it went away and I thought I dodged a bullet...until about a mile later when my engine shut off and wouldn't start again.

I called my dad (who actually got my car towed for free) and my future roommate to help me out. My buddy took me to FedEx to get the package shipped while my dad waited for the wrecker. Long story short...we got the broken down car to my house and pushed into the garage. I took my dad out to lunch and we went to a dealership even though the weather was ultra shitty. We quickly realized that it would be better for me to take the rest of the night to figure out what I want and do some research. On a side note...while I was at the FedEx place, I ran into Bob from "Bob and Tom". I wanted to bad to hit him and yell "COME UP WITH SOMETHING FUNNY!" It probably would have been a pretty good stress reliever...

I called my brother up on Sunday to come over and take a look at a few windows to see what he would charge me to replace them. He brought my little nephew over because he wanted to go for a car ride, which was a pleasant surprise. He was knocked out when they showed up and he even let me hold him until he got too heavy to hold. We walked around the house for a little bit and talked about a lot of things and I asked my brother to take me to the store so I could get some caffeine for the morning and other things. While we were there, my nephew saw some donuts and wanted some so I told my brother pick up a dozen and I'd pay for them. Then my nephew was pulling out some money to pay for them, which I thought was funny because it was a penny. My brother said he does it all the time and when he got his penny back he put it back in his pocket very carefully.

Then today came. I found an awesome car for a killer price that I couldn't pass up. Luckily my dad was able to take some time off of work to take me to the dealership to check it out. I was already in love with it just from looking at it online. It test drove great and while it's a used car, it's basically a brand new car. I've never seen a car less than a year old with only 5,500 miles on it and UNDER the blue book value. Like I said, I HAD to take this car. My brother called while we were getting the paperwork and everything taken care of to tell me I should stop by his house and see the little one, which I did. We jumped on their new trampoline for as long as my old ass was able to until it was time for me to leave.

After I had been home for a few hours my brother's girlfriend sent me a text saying that my nephew wanted to pay for the donuts yesterday because my car was broke. When I read that, my eyes started to tear up...then came another text. She said my nephew saw a black car go by the house and thought it was me and was really disappointed when it wasn't me...that made me start crying.

With everything that's been going on with me lately I've really lost focus on the little things that make everything worth it. I've also been shutting everyone out of my life, one by one a little more each day. Then out of nowhere this little guy is so worried about me and my car breaking down he wanted to pay for the donuts. I've been feeling like I'm a terrible person for so many reasons, and he wanted me to feel better. I don't even know what to say because that gesture by a three year old has moved me to tears and made me feel like people actually do love me from the bottom of their hearts.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the how I handled the situation of when you said you had something to talk to me about because I handled it horribly. I panicked and didn't know what to do, say or think. I had completely lost my fucking mind really. I automatically thought of the worst possible scenario and my head took off like Forrest Gump with it and didn't stop running with it. I feel that is the reason that you wanted me to go home the next morning because of that and that I'm just a terrible verbal communicator when it comes down to talking about serious stuff. I've never been good at stuff like that and I'm not looking to make excuses because that was an epic fail.

I'm sorry about the last two visits you had here. I don't know how the first one was weird for you when we were at my house, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had another epic fail when you came in for the baby shower. I've been running that in and out of my head, over and over on what I should have done and I'm sorry for what I did do. I'm sorry that I didn't show up earlier and go back with you guys to Mike's parents house to spend more time with you. I'm not reaching for excuses, but I really didn't know what to do and froze as everything passed me by.

I'm sorry if I haven't been getting the space you've wanted by texting you, but it's been hard. With everything that's been going on, it feels like I don't have anyone to talk to and I've wanted to bad to talk to you. I'm sorry if me texting you has made you close yourself off from me because that is the last thing I ever wanted.

Everything feels like it's entirely my fault and I could spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you, but that wouldn't be enough time. I still have VERY strong feelings for you and I'm sorry that my actions or inaction's have changed the way you feel or think about me. I know it's been an extremely long time since I've been in any kind of relationship, but you've made me feel again which is something I didn't think was ever going to be possible again.

I know the recurring theme in this has been "I'm sorry", but I really am and I don't want it to seem like empty words or an empty apology because it's not. I don't know how much sense any of this is going to make because I haven't gone back and re-read it because if I do, then I'll never send it. Every time I've tried to write something and gone back to read it, I trash it because I think it's retarded...like helmet wearing retarded.

I hope you've been doing alright and that everything has been going well for you too. I hope we can talk sometime in the very near future as well.

Almost a week later

Things were going good so I stopped writing things down, and wouldn't you know it...things got worse. The thinking came back along with the raging feeling I get. It got so bad today that I was shaking because I was so pissed off and it turned me into a working machine. I like how much more work I get done when I'm like this, but the emotional toll it takes on me is so great that I don't know how much more I can take.

So I've realized that I spend the vast majority of my day waiting for a text that I'm not going to get and when I'm asleep, I spend a good amount of brain power waiting for an email that I won't get either. I guess this is why I wake up at least 3 times a night to check my email...and it's never there. I've sent her a couple of texts this week and have gotten nothing back which leads me to believe she doesn't give a shit anymore. Maybe there's more to it than what I'm reading into it, but I'm pretty sure about this one.

With the way things got weird, it also leads me to believe that there's someone else, or there was someone else while we were together, or that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I'm leaning towards her finding someone else that's more convenient for her so she doesn't have to make a three hour drive every other month or so. She also told me that she wants to say something back but when she tries, she just shuts down. That leads me to believe that she wants to break it off for whatever reason but doesn't want to say it...for whatever reason. I'm so exhausted from today I don't even know how I'm awake right now. Maybe I'll get more out tomorrow.

Day Two...

Last night...last night I prayed for the first time in a VERY long time. I never knew how to pray (and still don't), but it ended with me sobbing and not able to breathe. I got so much off my chest with writing and praying yesterday that today was a much better day. I realized a lot when I was rambling with my tear soaked eyes that it still amazes me when I think about what I said to the Big Guy. I realized how much of an asshole I've truly been to the ones that I love that I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me or really want me to be around them. I don't even have words everything that crossed my mind while I was praying last night and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

After an entire one day of writing things to get them out of my head, I do feel a little better but I know not everyday is going to be a sunny day. I had a couple of bouts with myself today thinking about her and where I messed up and I still am. I've been thinking about texting her to see what's going on, but I think I'll give it one more night to respond with something and if I don't hear anything by tomorrow evening I'm going to text her and try to pry it out of her. I don't even know if we're broken up or what the fuck we're doing...but I do know, what we're doing is eating me up alive inside. When I think about certain things pertaining to her I feel a rage, not a blinding rage mind you, but something inside me that begins to grow and I just want to break shit. Well, attempt to break shit until I get so tired that I can't go on anymore. But, I feel so much bigger than what I really am that I feel like I can do anything...but get her to TALK to me.

I've decided to say fuck babying my back and just let loose to get this aggression out on the weekends. As much as I hate running, I'm about to start running so I can push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I'd much rather prefer playing basketball to running, but right now I'll do anything. I want to use all the energy I have in my body that when I get home that I pass out. I also need to take some golf lessons so I can get enough confidence to actually go play a course by myself because right now I seriously have nobody to go with. Hopefully the weather cooperates this weekend so I can physically run myself into the ground because I'm tired of being emotionally ran into the ground.

I really don't know what else to say other than ramble the same old shit over and over about her because I honest to God care more about her than I do myself and there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay with her. I just wish it wasn't like talking to a fucking brick wall...

Challege

I've been challenged by someone to write all this shit in my head out in an attempt to get it out and, hopefully, keep it out.

I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.

Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.

I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.

I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.

I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.

Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.