Last night...last night I prayed for the first time in a VERY long time. I never knew how to pray (and still don't), but it ended with me sobbing and not able to breathe. I got so much off my chest with writing and praying yesterday that today was a much better day. I realized a lot when I was rambling with my tear soaked eyes that it still amazes me when I think about what I said to the Big Guy. I realized how much of an asshole I've truly been to the ones that I love that I don't blame them for not wanting to talk to me or really want me to be around them. I don't even have words everything that crossed my mind while I was praying last night and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
After an entire one day of writing things to get them out of my head, I do feel a little better but I know not everyday is going to be a sunny day. I had a couple of bouts with myself today thinking about her and where I messed up and I still am. I've been thinking about texting her to see what's going on, but I think I'll give it one more night to respond with something and if I don't hear anything by tomorrow evening I'm going to text her and try to pry it out of her. I don't even know if we're broken up or what the fuck we're doing...but I do know, what we're doing is eating me up alive inside. When I think about certain things pertaining to her I feel a rage, not a blinding rage mind you, but something inside me that begins to grow and I just want to break shit. Well, attempt to break shit until I get so tired that I can't go on anymore. But, I feel so much bigger than what I really am that I feel like I can do anything...but get her to TALK to me.
I've decided to say fuck babying my back and just let loose to get this aggression out on the weekends. As much as I hate running, I'm about to start running so I can push myself to the brink of exhaustion. I'd much rather prefer playing basketball to running, but right now I'll do anything. I want to use all the energy I have in my body that when I get home that I pass out. I also need to take some golf lessons so I can get enough confidence to actually go play a course by myself because right now I seriously have nobody to go with. Hopefully the weather cooperates this weekend so I can physically run myself into the ground because I'm tired of being emotionally ran into the ground.
I really don't know what else to say other than ramble the same old shit over and over about her because I honest to God care more about her than I do myself and there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay with her. I just wish it wasn't like talking to a fucking brick wall...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Challege
I've been challenged by someone to write all this shit in my head out in an attempt to get it out and, hopefully, keep it out.
I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.
Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.
I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.
I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.
I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.
Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.
I've had quite a few bad days the last two months. By bad days I mean being completely overtaken by a depression that feels like I'll never get out of. Where everything seems so hopeless and trying to find SOMETHING to look forward to since all the things I had been looking forward to have all been but taken away. It takes so much energy out of me to get out of bed every morning, I'm not sure how I do it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing because I don't want to do it. I only want to be with her making her laugh and holding her in my arms. She was what made it worth getting out of bed for EVERY single morning. I've never been one to rely on anyone for much of anything, but she really is the one person I relied upon everyday to give me strength to keep going for so much more.
Now, without her, I'm having a really hard time trying to figure out why I bother getting out of bed every morning. I don't want to go or be at work, but I don't want to be at home either. I'm so lost and confused right now that I don't know what to do. I never really realized how much she did for me when she wasn't even around. It's like a instant morale boost that made me feel invincible and now, I feel so sad when I think about the times we had together that my eyes are tearing up at work or wherever I am. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life and I don't know how to handle it. I sent her an email saying that it's been two months, she knows where I am, but I have no clue where she is. At this point, I don't care where she is but as each days passes it makes me feel more and more like she doesn't give a shit about me. Or, what she has to say is so hard to say that she can't say it. I have my own suspicions on what she's going to say that it instantly makes my blood boil. For everything to just feel "strange" and to have "bad visits" it seems like it's something on her end that she doesn't want to tell me in fear that I'm going to go crazy. I just don't know anymore. I just wish she would talk to me so we can figure this out because right now, it's emotionally killing me.
I can't stop thinking about where I fucked everything up. I keep running every scenario in my head over and over all day long that it's consuming me. I'm covering every possible angle to try to see where exactly the visits were bad and how things became to feel strange. Once I get frustrated with that I see where we once were vs. where we are now and I feel the rage start to build. It doesn't take too long to get to the boiling point and I want to hit something. Luckily for me, I can't really hit anything because three weeks ago I did and my hand is still messed up. From there I think about what she has to say and that gets me right back to pissed off and wanting to hit something.
I know when she told me that she wanted to talk about some stuff I didn't handle it very well. As a matter of fact, I handled it as poorly as I possibly could and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that. Or the fact that when we started talking about it, I froze and didn't know what to say. I know it's no excuse, but it's been six years since I've been in any kind of relationship and I was caught like a deer in the headlights. I mean six fucking years is a long time and I just froze and struck out looking.
I just want my brain to stop replaying everything over and over in my head so I can regain what little of my sanity I had in the first place and want to do something and be somewhere again. I've been giving it some serious thought about emptying my 401(k) and just moving away in the middle of the night taking only the things I treasure most and starting over. I honestly don't know what to do or what the answer is, but I know with 100% certainty that I don't like feeling like this and it's taking me to the brink of my sanity that I don't know if I'll ever get back.
Almost everyday it feels like I'm in a nightmare and I'm going to wake up from it very soon. The problem is that it's been going on for so long that I feel like I'm never going to wake up. Here's to tomorrow morning hoping that I'll wake up from all this shit.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Here's what I want to say
I've had a lot of shit bouncing around my head for the past week. I can't stop thinking about her, wanting to be with her, wanting to talk to her, and NOT wanting our relationship to end. I know it's a little space, but it feels like part of me has been cut out of me. I've NEVER felt this way towards someone else before and, quite frankly, it scares the ever loving piss out of me. It scares me because I put so much fucking pressure on myself that I'll end up blowing it, which I DON'T want to do.
I haven't been able to eat or sleep worth a shit the past week and a half and that's taking it's toll on me as well. Since I've been thinking so much lately, it's opened up parts of my brain which help me think more analytically and that has helped me tremendously at work. I've been working on not being such an asshole at work, but I have some outbreaks from time to time...which is why I've kind of shut down the talking mechanism in my body and it's actually been pretty peaceful. Nobody is bugging me and asking me questions, I'm able to get my work done, and I'm able to feel better about my work...I'll have to work on being hyper critical of my work later down the road.
Now on to what I want to say that the "space" is preventing me from saying...
I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. My days are lonely not being able to text you at work without overwhelming you. I want so bad to hold you in my arms and just watch TV together. You make me feel complete and without you I'm missing a HUGE piece of myself that can't be forged.
I've never felt this attached to someone so quick and you've shown me that I CAN be happy and you make me happier than I've ever been. You've shown me what it's like to FEEL again and feel VERY deeply. Without you I'm shell of my former self and just go through the motions to make it through the day hoping, more than anything, to talk to you and not make you feel overwhelmed. You make me a whole person and that's something I haven't been in years.
I'm sorry I never told you that I get down on myself pretty quickly and suffered through depression for years before I wanted to free myself of my daily medication. I'm not saying that I'm never going to get depressed again, but I PROMISE you this...I'll tell you when I'm starting to feel down and I'll talk about it to get it out of my system and return to normal.
This "space" has taught me a lot about myself and how much I care for you. I'm VERY careful to say I love someone but this feels differently than everything else in the past and I think it's something VERY special and don't want to lose our relationship. I'm sorry things went to less than perfect, but it most certainly wasn't because I don't value our time together...because I value it more than anything in my life. And, it kills me not having you in my life right now and I hope that can change in the near future.
That's what I want to say so badly, but I don't want to invade her space that she wanted and I don't want to make her feel overwhelmed and have her possibly shut down and not want to talk or be with me. It makes me feel better just to write it out because I've been bottling it up and keeping myself trapped in my head...which is a pretty scary place to be stuck.
I haven't been able to eat or sleep worth a shit the past week and a half and that's taking it's toll on me as well. Since I've been thinking so much lately, it's opened up parts of my brain which help me think more analytically and that has helped me tremendously at work. I've been working on not being such an asshole at work, but I have some outbreaks from time to time...which is why I've kind of shut down the talking mechanism in my body and it's actually been pretty peaceful. Nobody is bugging me and asking me questions, I'm able to get my work done, and I'm able to feel better about my work...I'll have to work on being hyper critical of my work later down the road.
Now on to what I want to say that the "space" is preventing me from saying...
I've missed you more than I ever thought was possible. My days are lonely not being able to text you at work without overwhelming you. I want so bad to hold you in my arms and just watch TV together. You make me feel complete and without you I'm missing a HUGE piece of myself that can't be forged.
I've never felt this attached to someone so quick and you've shown me that I CAN be happy and you make me happier than I've ever been. You've shown me what it's like to FEEL again and feel VERY deeply. Without you I'm shell of my former self and just go through the motions to make it through the day hoping, more than anything, to talk to you and not make you feel overwhelmed. You make me a whole person and that's something I haven't been in years.
I'm sorry I never told you that I get down on myself pretty quickly and suffered through depression for years before I wanted to free myself of my daily medication. I'm not saying that I'm never going to get depressed again, but I PROMISE you this...I'll tell you when I'm starting to feel down and I'll talk about it to get it out of my system and return to normal.
This "space" has taught me a lot about myself and how much I care for you. I'm VERY careful to say I love someone but this feels differently than everything else in the past and I think it's something VERY special and don't want to lose our relationship. I'm sorry things went to less than perfect, but it most certainly wasn't because I don't value our time together...because I value it more than anything in my life. And, it kills me not having you in my life right now and I hope that can change in the near future.
That's what I want to say so badly, but I don't want to invade her space that she wanted and I don't want to make her feel overwhelmed and have her possibly shut down and not want to talk or be with me. It makes me feel better just to write it out because I've been bottling it up and keeping myself trapped in my head...which is a pretty scary place to be stuck.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Confused
I don't know what to do. By that, I mean absolutely fucking clueless what to do. Here's a little background...
Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.
The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.
We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.
She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.
That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.
So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?
Back in July I started talking to an amazingly beautiful, smart, and funny woman. We had always talked before but this was different. We would send an email to each other everyday, which was much different than the week gap before. Then we started texting each other all day, everyday until I went to sleep for the night. We devised a plan to go to Louisville for a day at the end of August which turned out to be an absolutely beautiful time. We took the tour at the Slugger factory, had some lunch, and then we saw the most amazing baseball game I've ever seen. I can't even explain how great the game was...I got to sit next to her, talk to her, and drink with her, and see a 105 mph pitch in a live game.
The next week (the day before Labor Day, September 4th actually) she called and wanted to come into town on a whim. I was beyond excited to have her just want to drive three hours just to spend time with me. She got in late...well, about 1am and we just went to bed and spend the ENTIRE Labor Day just laying around in my bed. It was hands down the best day I've ever spent on this Earth in my 29 years.
We ended up spending almost every weekend together and some extended ones as well. She found me when I was at one of my lowest points in my life and brought be back to life and everyone could tell how much happier of a person I was. Then there was one day at work and it got me a little down and I went home and started drinking it away. I want to say that it stopped that night, but it kept going. It got to the point where I was drinking 10-12 beers a night and it started affecting our relationship. I was bitter all the time at work because I wasn't getting my way and not being able to see her when I wanted. Then when we talked on the phone I would be so drunk that I wasn't paying attention to what I said and I said something RETARDED that I don't remember saying. It was basically a slap in the face to her a few days before she came in town for a day. Apparently that visit was VERY bad for her because now she wants some space.
She also came into town one Thursday night to take me to the doctor the next day to get some shots in my back and that was another strange visit for her for some reason. To me, everything seemed fine during this visit other than the fact that she had to leave Saturday afternoon due to a prior commitment she had back home.
That brings us to last Friday when she brought all this up to me. I was stunned, and I still am. We had a talk this past Wednesday morning which ended up with her saying she wanted some space and I would give it to her. The thing about the space is that it's absolutely fucking tearing me up inside. My entire world is off it's kilter and I don't know what to do. I told her I would give her some space but I just want to text her, but I know that will send her into shut down mode. I really just want to be with her, hold her, be able to kiss her, watch bad tv shows with her, and to just be happy with her by my side. I've been having breakdowns at my house and at work of all places. I've been able to keep everything in check at work and not sob like I do when I'm at home...but it's fucking hard. I've just shut down at work and have become a machine that doesn't stop working. I've stopped talking to majority of people at work and hang my head so nobody tries to talk to me. I haven't been able to eat, but when I do eat it's very little. Don't get me wrong because I get to the point to where I'm starving, but I just can't stomach food very much right now.
So I'm trying to respect her wishes and giving her the space she wants, but does she really want a lot of space or is that a hidden message to see if I want to make this work? Believe me when I say this, I WANT THIS TO WORK! I want it to work more than anything else in my life and it's killing me that it's not right now. I was looking forward to this Valentine's Day to surprising her with some daisy's and some chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her work. Now I'm not sure that's going to happen. Should I press on with my plans for that because I really do like her...more so than any other woman I've had a relationship with and I want to show her how much I like her and how much she means to me...but I don't know how. I've tried to tell her but I'm not sure if she believes me or not. How do I do something...ANYTHING without invading the space she wants?
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