I still miss her. Every single fucking day and I hate waking up here on the weekends by myself.

Things I've learned this weekend

I've learned a lot this weekend. Some of it is very basic life stuff, but I just needed to have things put into perspective. So here's what I've learned...

• Funerals never get easier. I've never dealt very well with death, especially a death of someone I call a friend. There were about half a million other factors going along with it, but it's still a very hard thing to deal with.
• Whatever I do will never be good enough. As much as I would like to think that some of the stuff I do is good enough, it will never be enough. I'll never be able to be good enough at doing something or be good enough for anyone to keep me around for an extended period of time in a relationship. Maybe I really am damaged beyond repair...
• Family, as irritating as they can be sometimes, is so very important. Just thinking about my niece and nephews this weekend and just wanting to hug them and tell them how much I love them, moves me to tears. My mind has wandered a little bit while driving this weekend and I was crying while driving...and I'm not a fan of that.
  
• I wear my sunglasses as a shield so nobody sees my glassy eyes. I know I wear them a little too much, but I noticed this weekend that even though it was dark I wouldn't take them off. And, the only thing I could come up with is that I don't want anyone to see my tired and sad eyes.
  
• I've lost weight and gained muscle. I'm not sure how that happened but everyone was telling me about it last night. It was a constant "you look REALLY good and you look bigger...muscle wise." Not really sure how much I believe it, but I do feel like I'm a little bit bigger.
• I'm depressed. I was doing so great until I got word about my friends passing and since then I've just been in a rut. To make a fair comparison, I was doing so great that my shrink said she didn't see any good reason that I should come back and see her. She said that I looked relaxed, looked better, talked better, and just overall seemed like I was able to flip the light switch to being happier. Now I'm just obsessing over everything like I was a few weeks ago. I'm also drinking a little bit more and talking a lot less. I don't want to do much of anything, I'm struggling with making decisions, and pretty much everything just feels like it sucks.

That's it for my "woe is me" act for the night.

Today...

This post is going to be everywhere so I apologize in advance...


Today was a day I'd like to forget or pretend it never happened. Someone I've known for a long time died last night. When I say a long time, I mean since I was kid. He was riding his bike home from a ride, lost control, and hit the guardrail, and died from head trauma. We weren't necessarily close, but I've always considered him a friend. He was always good to sit around and have a few beers with...conversation wasn't needed because he was such a strong person that words didn't need to be said. Mostly, my heart aches for his family in ways I can't explain because I'm VERY close to so many of them. Now here comes the confusing part...

I want to go to the funeral to pay my last respects, but I fear I'm going to be unwelcome there because of her...after all, it was HER uncle and not mine. I know if I go to Columbus that I'll have nowhere to stay for the night and I'll only want to be with her...but I'm about 99% sure she won't want me to be there with her. I know some of her family will want me to go and tell me I can stay at his brother's house (which is a few blocks from her house) and I fear that will only make things worse for me. I've been on the verge of tears all day and I just now started crying about it.

My biggest question I have to answer in the next few days is, should I go and just come home the same night or just not go at all? I want to talk to her about it, but today certainly isn't the right time since she just lost someone that she was close to. I just got over so much from the last few months to be put back in the same place of questioning everything like I did before.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot about everything lately and I'm trying to figure out if I'm just damaged goods or not. Seriously though, it's so easy to cast me aside and completely forget about me that I must be damaged.

At this point in my life I don't understand why anyone would want a 30 year old, who is more confused about his life than ever. I don't know what to do anymore and everything I do is wrong. The harder I try, the worse things get...it's like playing in quicksand. One thing I have found out that is since I've quit babying my back, it hasn't bothered me too much and the more pain I do feel (both physically and emotionally) the harder I push myself at whatever I'm doing. Lately it's been work and on Friday's when I mow the yard. I literally won't stop going as hard as I can until I'm completely exhausted...and that helps quite a bit.

I'm starting to lose more emotion every single fucking day and that hurts. I don't want to become a complete ass again. Any more, I just want to revert back to being a complete asshole again and not give a shit about anyone's feelings. I just don't know, and I fear that I've already started back down that track again.

There's something wrong with me

There's something seriously wrong with me. I've been really hesitant to sleep with anyone and I sort of did last night. It was a fucking retarded idea and got a little pressured into it, but I still made the decision to do it so there's no excuse there.

It was so fucking terrible and I HATE myself for it today. I was so far from being where I needed to be that it didn't work. It worked for about five minutes and that was it. I had flashback after flashback going through my mind the entire time so vividly that it felt like I was actually there in third person walking around it while everything was going on in my mind.

I know I was comparing everything to her and that's why shit wasn't working, but I thought I was going to be able to be a fucking grown up for once and start to turn the page. Obviously, I can't yet. That makes me wonder how long it will actually take and if that's going to turn into another six year hiatus from a somewhat solid commitment. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how much of a failure I was last night because I used to be able to separate my brain from what was going on. I guess that's how I used to be and better change before I won't be able to change.

This is pretty much the song that keeps running through my head all day. I still wish I knew why this hurt so fucking bad, but it does. It's a challenge to keep going each day when I just want to give up and do nothing other than mope around and cry.

Fairy Tale

This was supposed to be a beautiful weekend for us. Since I had Good Friday off I was going to take a few vacation days and spend a very long weekend with her. We had planned a weekend getaway which would have started today. It was supposed to be at a bed and breakfast place in Northern Ohio and it was going to be something magical. Just thinking about it makes the tears show up. I was holding out until this weekend to tell her how much I love every second we spend together and that she means more than the world to me.

Instead I'm sitting here writing this about something that I SHOULD be doing right now, holding her while we're sitting outside watching the sun set telling her how much I love being with her. Now I'm sitting by myself with a beer in tow, crying in my basement alone because she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

I feel like a fucking fool. I take it slow and everything ends up exactly the same way. Is the blueprint of failing in every relationship stuck in my fucking head and I can't get it out? God, I'm almost 30 and my longest relationship has lasted 5 fucking months. At this point, how do I NOT feel like I'm the problem? I know, I'm only concentrating on the bad and not the good. I know that I shouldn't be shortsighted about the relationship stuff, but I am I just a terrible person that drives or pushes people away after a few months? And, how does this still hurt this bad after a few months while we were only together for a few months? Am I just too fucking clingy and don't want to accept reality and move on?

Right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm tired of crying all the time. I'm tired of having glassy eyes all day long. I'm tired of pitting all the blame on me. I'm tired of thinking that I SHOULDN'T be here right now because I should be with her on a romantic getaway. But here I am, living in a fucking fairy tale, in my basement, alone, and crying.