There's something wrong with me

There's something seriously wrong with me. I've been really hesitant to sleep with anyone and I sort of did last night. It was a fucking retarded idea and got a little pressured into it, but I still made the decision to do it so there's no excuse there.

It was so fucking terrible and I HATE myself for it today. I was so far from being where I needed to be that it didn't work. It worked for about five minutes and that was it. I had flashback after flashback going through my mind the entire time so vividly that it felt like I was actually there in third person walking around it while everything was going on in my mind.

I know I was comparing everything to her and that's why shit wasn't working, but I thought I was going to be able to be a fucking grown up for once and start to turn the page. Obviously, I can't yet. That makes me wonder how long it will actually take and if that's going to turn into another six year hiatus from a somewhat solid commitment. On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how much of a failure I was last night because I used to be able to separate my brain from what was going on. I guess that's how I used to be and better change before I won't be able to change.